Or equivalent experience….

RÉSUMÉ: summary, curriculum vitae, a set of accomplishments

I’ve been updating my résumé.  The “plan” is for me to return to a job where someone else finds the clients and writes the paychecks in the fall.  Okay, the original version of the “plan” was for me to stay home for two years or until Quicken started to complain.  Two years came and went and Quicken frowned disapprovingly in the corner.  The frown lines deepened and now Quicken is now registering regular complaints.

I already find myself a little defensive about the last five years and “justifying” my choice to be a mostly-stay-at-home-mom with a consulting business on the side.  Despite the fact that I’ve had clients and active projects nearly the whole time I’ve been home, I feel like I need to prove that I still have the skills to pick up my career where I left off.

Based on a two-minute Google search, I’ve compiled a list of common résumé search terms/qualifications and tried to explain how the past five years have actually sharpened, rather than dulled my skills.

Problem-Solving and Decision-Making

In the Before Children era (BC), I thought that nervous clients and looming deadlines were problems.  I agonized over the order of the slides in my PowerPoint presentation.  Well, it turns out that children drastically increase the number (and severity) of problems that need solving and decisions that need making.  If practice makes perfect than the me that lives in the Abdominal Deterioration era (AD) is as close to perfection as you’re going to find.  I have taken a six-month old backpacking, outsmarted the laundry monster that eats children’s socks, managed to get vegetables of every color past pursed lips, selected a kindergarten, compared and contrasted dozens of preschools and daycares, and changed a diaper in an airplane bathroom.  You can’t fluster me.

Oral and Written Communication  

Okay, I admit it.  This is one area where the BC me had a distinct advantage over the AD me.  I experienced a uterus injury that has hampered my ability to form complete sentences and participate in adult conversations without random outbursts of “no throwing blocks near the windows,” “crayons are for paper,” and “fingers out of your nose, please.”   However, I am confident that if you lock me away in an office full of grown-up and coffee I will recover quickly and keep my outbursts to a minimum.   Plus, if you need someone to list the words that rhyme with your memo title, use sign language to tell you that I need to go potty without interrupting a meeting, or give commands in a sing-song voice that tricks employees into thinking they want to do something unpleasant…I’m your girl.

Technology

My AD computer skills are not any stronger than my BC ones.  But, I remain equally charming and able to win over the surly IT guys.  In fact, I’ve perfected my chocolate chip cookie recipe.  Plus, I have expanded my knowledge of battery removal and have knack for making annoying toy damage look like an accident.   Oh, and I’ve entered the social media and blogging age since the last time we worked together.

Project Management

BC I perceived that I was efficient.  AD I know what efficient is.  Over the past five years I’ve held multiple positions simultaneously.  My list of job requirements doesn’t even fit on a single page.  I track multiple schedules with various deadlines and manage to keep them straight most of the time.  The things I can accomplish in the midst of chaos are truly impressive.  And, the things I can accomplish when left alone for an hour would blow your mind.

Bilingual

Admittedly, my AD Spanish is a little rusty.  But, let’s be honest…even my BC Spanish wasn’t that great.  I am, however, a certified toddler-speak interpreter.  And, thanks to Son and Daughter’s preschool teachers I can now count to ten in French and three in Swahili if you find that to be an asset.  I can also sound out very complicated dinosaur names.

Please hire me!

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6 thoughts on “Or equivalent experience….

  1. This post is hilarious. And well written. And true. I, too, hope that I’ll stop shouting “penises don’t go in books” if put into an adult setting.

    “The things I can accomplish when left alone for an hour would blow your mind.” SERIOUSLY. YES. I was left alone for four hours a couple of weeks ago and I swear to gawd I sequenced the human genome, wrote a full set of encyclopedias, and completed my taxes for the next twenty years. Plus prepped and cooked two meals.

    So glad I found your blog.

  2. I’m with you on the “changed a diaper in an airplane bathroom” skill. I did it with a baby in the front carrier (toddler is not quite out of diapers, and you don’t want to take any chances on a flight…). After that, anything the boss throws my way is a walk in the park (alone, not with the minivan stroller).
    LOVE your writing by the way!

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