Defining Motherhood

One Mom Finding Meaning in the Madness

Soccer Saturdays and Sentimental Sundays

soccer goal

SOCCER: a game played on a field between two teams with the object to propel a round ball into the opponent’s goal by kicking or by hitting it with any part of the body except the hands and arms 

When the coach pulls out the long-sleeved jersey and padded gloves and turns toward Son, one of us grins and the other cringes. Son loves the Saturdays he gets a chance to play goalie, but I dread them.

I can’t relax when he’s in the goalie box. I pace the sidelines with an elevated heart rate and start bartering with The Almighty hoping that what I have to offer (e.g. fewer road rage expletives, clamping down on gossip, rededicating myself to the Fifth Commandment) will entice Him to grant the outcome I’m requesting.

I’m not praying for a win. I don’t care how many goals Son lets in. I’m praying for his safety. When the final whistle blows, I want Son returned to me with his facial features and digits in the same condition they were in when I brought him to the game.

I hold my breath each time the other team charges down the field to kick a ball at my firstborn. I want to scream at them to be gentle but 1) that would be ineffective and 2) I don’t want to be that mom.

I try to focus on the lessons he is learning in front of the goal.

There are games when his team (Go Panthers!) dominates their opponents. Those games aren’t fun for a goalie. Sure, he can say he blocked every goal, but that’s not much of a boast when there were so few shots and the shots that came were slow and predictable. Easy games aren’t fun. In fact, it’s lonely and boring to stand at one end of the field when all the action is at the other end.

The triumph of a goalie is proportionate to the skill of his opponents. There is little to celebrate when anyone could have stopped the shot but justifiable exuberance when the other team should have scored but didn’t because of the goalie’s speed, agility, or sheer luck.

While I’m praying Son’s nose remains unbroken, it is a small comfort to think that he will leave the field understanding that accomplishments worth celebrating are preceded by challenges.

I also like that Son has to stay in the present when he’s goalie. A great block doesn’t mean the next kick won’t go in, and sulking about a goal doesn’t help. When he is goalie, Son has to shake things off and move on. He has to forgive himself for his failures and avoid getting cocky about his successes. He has to do his best every time and accept that sometimes his best wasn’t enough.

Life lessons, I tell you, are there for the learning each Saturday.

Those lessons might just be worth a broken nose or finger.

At least, that’s how it seems on Sundays when I sit down at my computer comfortably philosophical because I know he’s still in one piece.

Come next Saturday, the life lessons will seem less important than his safety and I’ll have to plant my teeth firmly in my tongue to avoid screaming, “Don’t hurt my baby!”

September Reads

READ: to look at and understand the meaning of letters, words, symbols, etc.

Putting the kids back in school put me back in the mood for non-fiction. My Summer Reading Bingo card was fiction heavy, and there was still quite a bit of fiction in my reading pile for September, but it was fun to mix it up a bit.
all joy

All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior

I wish I had read a paper copy of this rather than listening to an audio book because I found it hard to soak in all the data without seeing the numbers on a page. Even still, I loved this book so much I listened to the audio twice through and suggested my book club read it. I want to discuss the material with as many people as possible. Senior presented research and information in a way that both helped me understand and helped me feel understood.

elephant company

Elephant Company by Vickie Croke

This story of “Elephant Bill” and his time in Burma before and during WWII was my Book Club’s September selection. I enjoyed reading about British colonialism and the use of elephants in the teak jungles of Burma but struggled with the mysticism, anthropomorphism, and portrayal of J.H. Williams as a nearly perfect hero. The things that made this book hard for me may not bother other readers. In the end, this was a worthwhile read but not one that I’ll be forcing on friends.

labor day

Labor Day by Joyce Maynard

Thirteen year old Henry is a charming narrator for this story about the weekend the life he was living with his reclusive mother was disrupted by a misunderstood convict. Maynard’s prose and characters are good enough to help readers overlook the implausibility in the premise and relax into this compelling and often moving tale.

before i go

Before I Go by Colleen Oakley

I thought this debut novel about a woman with terminal breast cancer determined to find a new wife for her husband before she passes away was the right blend of sincere and sentimental. There were plenty of times I wanted to shake the main character, but in some ways her pigheadedness was part of what made the story work for me.


The Selection by Kiera Cass

This Hunger-Games-Meets-The-Bachelorette novel is as delightful as it is predictable. A perfectly enjoyable read and a fun enough first book to make me curious about what Cass will do with the rest of the series.

love letters

Love Letters to the Dead by Ava Dellaira

I’m a sucker for debut authors, epistolary novels, and YA. So, I was predisposed to like this book about a student who takes her English assignment to the next level. The emotional pull and writing was a little uneven, but overall I enjoyed Dellaira’s fresh voice and flawed characters.

thirteen reasons

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

I read this story about the big repercussions of small actions too close on the heels of John Green’s Paper Towns and struggled with this book for similar reasons. I couldn’t convince myself that one person could successfully dictate the actions and compliance of so many characters.

Summer Reading Bingo (Part III)

summer bingo

BINGO: a game in which players match numbered squares on a card with numbers that are called out until someone wins by matching five squares in a row

Blackout! I finished by Seattle Public Library summer reading BINGO card. This was such a fun summer reading program. I hope they do it again next year.

animal vegetable

Animal, Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver

Category: Re-read

I would follow Barbara Kingsolver’s prose nearly anywhere, but it is especially fun to follow it to the intersection of memoir and food politics. This book was every bit as great as I remembered. The contributions form Kingsolver’s daughter and husband add texture to an already beautiful book.

horse whisperer

The Horse Whisperer by Nicholas Evans

Category: Set somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit

This book was on the shelf at a place we rented on our summer road trip. My fond memories of the Robert Redford movie by the same title, together with my love of cowboys and free paperbacks, started me turning the pages. I kept turning the pages because the well-paced story filled with untidy emotions and flawed characters drew me in. The book ending, while not necessarily likable seemed more fitting than the revised ending used for the movie adaptation. Counting this as my “always wanted to visit” setting is, admittedly, a bit of a cheat. Yes, I’d like to spend time on a ranch with a rugged cowboy, but if I’d been seeking out a book purely on setting I probably would have picked somewhere more exotic than Montana.

wrinkle in time

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

Category: A book from your childhood

As a child, I was prohibited from reading this classic about outcasts fighting evil based on my mom’s religious objections. Many sci-fi and fantasy books were painted with her broad “occult” brush. Imagine my surprise when the characters started Bible verses. A good book, but more importantly a good reminder to take the time to investigate before denouncing.

paper towns

Paper Towns by John Green

Category: Young adult book

John Green is one of my favorite YA authors but this wasn’t one of my favorite YA books. I love Green’s writing but didn’t think this story allowed his skills to shine. The premise and the characters felt forced. That said, a crummy John Green book is still a good book.

harry potter

Harry Potter by JK Rowling

I also enjoyed reading the first three Harry Potter books aloud to Son this month. It has been a ridiculously fun ride for both of us, even if I’m terrible with the voices.

Summer Reading Bingo (Part II)

summer bingo

BINGO: a game in which players match numbered squares on a card with numbers that are called out until someone wins by matching five squares in a row

I’ve been out of town and unplugged, so my July book reviews are tardy. Like last month, my reading was dictated by the Seattle Public Library’s summer reading BINGO card.

abundance of katherines

An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

Category: Prizewinner

This book was so fun! Smart, funny, and nerdy all wrapped together and tied with a coming-of-age ribbon. Michael L. Printz Honor Book, LA Times Book Prize Finalist, ALA BBYA, Horn Book Fanfare Best Book of the Year, Booklist Editors’ Choice, Kirkus Reviews Best Book of the Year.


Glaciers by Alex M. Smith

Category: Local Author

Every line counts in this short and sweet book about a day in the life of twenty-something Isabel who works with damaged books and collects things that others leave behind. This is a quiet, reflective, and beautiful book perfect for those who like lyrical prose.


Surveillance by Jonathan Raban

Category: Set in the NW

Oh, man. I’m not sure how to review this book. Raban is an excellent writer. I enjoyed each step of the journey…right up to the destination which was so bizarre, sudden, and unconnected that it pulled the rug out from under everything that went before. I suspect this is the kind of book where others with more artistic sensibility will talk about the statement the ending made. I suspect that I will continue to hate it.

written in the stars

Written in the Stars by Aisha Saeed

Category: #WeNeedDiverseBooks

This book tells the story of Naila who is removed from her American high school and returned to Pakistan where she is forced to marry. The writing is simple, the chapters are short, and the pace is quick. The author’s note at the back distinguishes between arranged marriage (which Saeed herself has benefited from) and forced marriage, but that distinction is not clearly teased out in the novel’s narrative.


Fledgling by Octavia Butler

Category: Out of your comfort zone

For this Bingo square, I put out a call on Facebook: “SPL summer reading bingo requires a book out of my comfort zone. Now accepting recommendations for vampire novels, bodice-rippers, or books by Ann Coulter.” Octavia Butler was recommended more than once. I enjoyed this story about kinder/gentler vampires who enter into symbiotic relationships. It’s sexy without being sensational (with the exception of the pre-teen/adult interaction at the beginning) and thoughtful without being didactic.


Hatchet by Gary Paulsen

Category: You own, but had never read

This is the story of 13-year old Brian’s survival in the Canadian wilderness after a plane crash. I read this Newberry Honor book primarily to screen it for Son. I love stories that show the resourcefulness and resilience of humans. This book provides that for a younger audience. I think Son (8) is too young for this but that it will be perfect in a couple of years.

bone season

The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon

Category: Author under 30

I was confused for most of the beginning of this dystopian novel, despite the explanatory charts. Eventually, the story took off and I was able to immerse myself in the action. The pacing was slower than I expected, but worked. I could feel the weight of the groundwork being laid for sequels, but enjoyed the strong heroine and the complex world that Shannon built.

bourne identity

The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum

Category: Published the year you were born

I was excited to see a spy thriller on my list of options for reading from my birth year. Summer is the perfect time for a page-turner and since I’d already seen the movie I was happy to spend some time with a main character I couldn’t help picturing as Matt Damon. This was a fun read. Good, but not great. I am perfectly willing to suspend reality for books like this and embrace far-fetched high-stakes drama and suspense. I found it harder to suspend everything I know about human communication and embrace the stilted, unrealistic dialogue.

longest ride

The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks

Category: Turned into a movie

I was excited to have an excuse to read a Nicholas Sparks book. I’ve seen a few movies based on his books and am a totally sucker for sappy. I expected to enjoy this written version of a chick flick, but didn’t. I couldn’t find the tension and attraction needed to carry the story on the page. There were parts of the book where I wished I was watching the film adaptation. Rather than being told that the characters were attracted to each other, I could be convinced by prolonged eye contact or a zoom in on a gentle touch. I also struggled with the two separate story lines. The two sets of characters weren’t equally engaging and I found myself slogging through one story line while waiting impatiently for a return to the other.

life changing magic

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

Category: You’ve been meaning to read

This book has received a lot of hype and at first I shunned it as a fad. But, eventually curiosity got the best of me. For me, this book would be better as an essay. The book was full of repetition. Nevertheless, the idea of choosing what to keep (based on whether or not it brings you joy) rather than what to discard is a useful lens through which to view your belongings and take steps toward minimalism. I did the clothes stage of the tidying process for myself and my kids and our drawers have never looked better.

Meet Hecate

Meet Hecate, Formerly Known As Purple Bear

Hecate (née Purple Bear)

DENOMINATE:  to give a name to

Rick Riordan has changed things around here.

The Percy Jackson and the Olympians series transformed Son into an eight-year-old boy who would rather read than have screen time. The Heroes of Olympus series transformed him into someone who made sure to have his allowance in his pocket if we were passing within the vicinity of Secret Garden Books.

And, the changes go beyond reading enthusiasm. Before Percy Jackson, the stuffed animals in our house had names like Big Dog, Little Cow and Purple Bear. Now, a large number of formerly plain-named creatures have been christened with names like Poseidon, Hecate, Zeus and Hephaestus.

My children have spent the last two hours in their room acting out complex scenarios and battles at Camp Triple Blood. That’s right. Camp Triple Blood: where kids that are a combination of human, Greek god, and animal go for the summer. I’m really hoping my children don’t ask too many questions about the specifics of how three people would mate to create the campers for this imagined camp.

If they do, I’ll be asking Rick Riordan to make a house call and clean up this delightful, inventive mess he made.

Summer Reading Bingo

summer bingo

BINGO: a game in which players match numbered squares on a card with numbers that are called out until someone wins by matching five squares in a row

It’s time for a review of my June reading. All of my selections have been dictated by the Seattle Public Library’s summer reading BINGO card. I’m now deep in the throes of competitive reading with strangers from around the city in hopes of being the lucky winner of a stack of new books.  Check out the scorecard and play along. Here’s what I read in June: 

Everything i never told you

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

Category: checked out from the library

A quietly sad and well-written novel about what can happen when we choose appearances over authenticity. I was surprised to find that this was categorized as adult lit rather than YA. That made me less forgiving of the heavy-handed role of racial prejudice and certain unlikeable characters. But, I’m a sucker for first novels and a lover of dysfunctional family stories so this book was mostly a win for me.

the bookseller

The Bookseller by Cynthia Swanson

Category: from an independent bookstore

This was my book club’s pick for the month. My lukewarm recommendation of this book is more likely the result of my own cheapness and the fact that the book is only available in hardback than an accurate reflection of the quality of the novel. I mostly enjoyed this road not taken story—bouncing back and forth between two plausible life paths—but found the narrator’s over-enlightened modern perspective on autism jarring in this story set in the 60s. While the journey was quick and fun, the destination was disappointing.

 the dinner

The Dinner by Herman Koch

Category: translated from another language

This book takes place during a single dinner, with key plot points revealed like timed courses. The characters are erratic and unlikable. The plot is farfetched. The suspense is overdone. And yet, I liked the book as a whole. It was the literary version of a still life: Very few people keep a well-stocked fruit bowl with one stray pear artfully placed on a counter nearby, but it’s still impressive when an artist captures the colors and texture of a pear just right. If for no other reason, this book is work reading to appreciate Koch’s fabulous caricature of an upscale restaurant.


Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness

Category: collection of short stories

Choosing to read this anthology was a bit self-serving, but I enjoyed the range of essays from my fellow writers. It’s the first book with a spine that includes my byline. So, yeah … I liked it. A lot.

girl with pearl earring

The Girl with a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier

Category: banned

This book is written at a gentle pace that matches the unfolding lives of the characters. Chevalier captures scenes in painstaking detail and allows the reader to be completely immersed in a world where subtleties—an open mouth, a wisp of hair, a concealed grease spot—mark significant shifts in power and intention.

this one summer

This One Summer by Jillian Tamaki & Mariko Tamaki

Category: graphic novel

I get what this book is doing. I like realistic, subtle portrayals of depression and dysfunction as much as the next girl. It turns out, I just like those portrayals in writing. I’ll take 1,000 words over a picture any day. I suspect that for those better able to appreciate graphic novels, this will be a hit.

a boys will

A Boy’s Will by Robert Frost

Category: collection of poetry

I have long loved The Road Not Taken and, mistakenly, believed that I would love all of Robert Frost’s poetry. A Prayer in Spring and Revelation were two of my favorites in this collection from 1913, but I found the poems uneven. Though, to be fair, this is an early collection of Frost’s writing. I suspect that most famous poets—as well as anyone who dabbled in angst-ridden rhymes in their youth—cringe a bit at their early works.

84 charing cross

84, Charing Cross Road by Helene Hanff

Category: recommended by a friend

A solid recommended from my friend Brooke. This book is a series of letters between Helene Hanff (a New York writer) and Frank Doel (a London bookseller). While the letters start off as little more than an old-fashioned transaction—Please send me X edition of Y: I’ve enclosed some cash but don’t know how to convert dollars to pounds, so do the math and let me know if I need to send more—they become exchanges between friends brought together through a love of literature. This collection of correspondence is curated into a tiny, charming, and thoroughly enjoyable book.

ill give you the sun

I’ll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson

Category: you finished reading in a day

This stunning story, told in alternating narratives, completely captivated me and was my favorite read of the month. I was sad to see it end, but lacked the restraint to make it last longer. I admired the vividness and authenticity of the relationships as well as Nelson’s writing style and her tidy-in-the-best-way plot.

35 things that matter to me today


BIRTHDAY: an anniversary of a birth

Like major holidays or the first day each autumn that the coffee shop offers eggnog lattes, each year on my birthday I feel compelled to reflect on years past and what the day has meant to me over time.

This year as I reflect, I find many of the things that mattered in the past—my height, the theme of my invitations, the content of my gifts—don’t matter to me anymore.

Other things—my width, the theme of my current essay, and the contents of my coffee cup—matter more.

Here are 35 things that matter to me today:

  1. My husband
  2. My children
  3. The crazy joy that those particular people bring into my life
  4. The certainty I feel that I bring a bit of crazy joy to their lives too
  5. Childhood friends
  6. The perspective that comes from spending time with those who knew you when
  7. New friends
  8. The freedom that comes from spending time with those who didn’t know you then
  9. A ceramic cup that feels just right in my hand
  10. Coffee in that cup
  11. Gilmore Girls
  12. Pride and Prejudice
  13. Perfectly-salted popcorn
  14. Hoppy IPAs
  15. Comfortable shoes
  16. Spanx
  17. A cute purse
  18. Holding hands
  19. Sharing the covers
  20. Getting more than my share of the pillows
  21. Using the proper name for body parts
  22. Gilbert Blythe
  23. Mr. Darcy
  24. Hand-written thank you notes
  25. Alphabetized file drawers
  26. On time arrivals
  27. Having my name spelled correctly
  28. The color of the ink in my pen
  29. Paper that tears cleanly from the notebook
  30. A thought perfectly captured
  31. Writing the truth as I know it
  32. The flavor of my toothpaste
  33. Summer road trips
  34. Good chocolate
  35. Shaved armpits

Another Letter Nobody Asked For

ADVICE: an opinion or suggestion about what someone should do

I am a guest blogger over on Sassypiehole sharing my advice to moms-to-be.

It’s one of those open letters to unsuspecting recipients who didn’t ask for mail. Check it out.

Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness


SPINE: the part of a book to which the pages are attached and on the cover of which usually appear the title and author’s and publisher’s names

It’s a major milestone here at Defining Motherhood: I’m in a book! Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness (Second Edition). It’s an anthology from Monkey Star Press, and you should check it out.

I’m allowed to brag about the book without feeling awkward because it’s really only 1/50th mine. Plus, the risk is low. If my essay doesn’t do it for you, chances are that one of the other ones will. Fifty writers and perspectives for you to enjoy. That’s the beauty of an anthology.

And, with chapter titles like The Family Bedlam and The Five Stages of Exhausted Cooking, you are bound to find something that more than justifies the cost of a book.

This may sound shallow, but I’m ridiculously excited about being part of something with a spine. I have been gazing at the spine, admiring how it looks horizontal on my coffee table, running a finger down its smooth surface as it stands on my bookshelf.

So, if for no other reason, buy it for the spine. Unlike mine, there are absolutely no signs of scoliosis. It’s an excellent spine.

April Reads

READ: to look at and understand the meaning of letters, words, symbols, etc.

we were liars

We Were Liars by e. lockhart

This is a tale about lies – the ones we tell ourselves and the ones we tell others. This was my auction recovery book: The day after the event I hid in my room, away from people and expectations, and read this book in one sitting. Most of the reviews and hype around this book focuses on the plot twist/ending, but I haven’t yet decided whether I thought the twist was surprising or predictable. What I have decided is that I like Lockhart’s writing. Her prose is poetic and varied in style. She effectively uses a narrative voice full of imagery with doses of magical realism.


The Martian by Andy Weir

This was my book club’s pick this month. I don’t think I would have selected this book on my own but was glad to have this “too nerdy” read forced on me. Turns out, I dig nerdy. After a dust storm and an unfortunate accident, astronaut Mark Watney is presumed dead and his crew evacuates Mars without him. His epic battle for survival is peppered with real science and more math than I’ve ever encountered in a novel. The narrative broadened beyond the stranded astronaut’s storyline just in time for me – adding much needed diversity in perspective and variety in characters. I recommend this book to anyone who likes science fiction and wants to try a book that is heavy on the science without losing the joys of a great novel.

lets pretend

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson

Jenny Lawson, also known as The Bloggess, is funny and irreverent. She wrote this book. Ergo, this book is funny and irreverent. Funny in small doses. Reading just a chapter at a time, I was able to give myself over to the joys of this book: I could embrace the rambling writing style, allow myself to laugh (hard) at things I shouldn’t, enjoy the reveal of quirks and accept that things that were funny or quirky would be proceeded by Lawson telling me to brace myself for something funny or quirky.

pardonable lies

Pardonable Lies by Jacqueline Winspear

Loaned by a friend, I enjoyed this book in the Maisie Dobbs series. I love mysteries but had to reframe my expectations part way into the book. It’s more novel than mystery. What it lacks in thrill it makes up for in a plucky heroine and charming between-the-wars historical settings.

family fang

The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson

If your parents embarrassed you, you’ll feel better after meeting Caleb and Camille Fang. This story alternates between the past for of a family of performance artists and the modern day lives of the children trying to overcome the residue of their strange upbringing. The book is well written and entertaining. It kept me turning pages, even when it took sharp detours into a-little-weird-for-my-taste territory. In the end, I found it to be a delightful tour of quirky.

mountain meets moon

Where the Mountain Meets the Moon by Grace Lin

A story of desire, fortune, fortitude and gratitude, this Chinese folktale won a Newberry Honor Award and my heart. I read this book aloud to Son. We were both captivated by this enchanting story with a strong heroine and enduring lessons. Imaginative and powerful, this will be the book we measure all others by for a while. Son loved it so much he wanted to spend his allowance on a copy for a friend who had not read it yet.


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