Defining Motherhood

One Mom's Attempt to Find Meaning in the Madness

So Long, Sammy

female beta

PET: a domesticated animal kept for pleasure rather than utility

I am a bundle of recessive genes. I have straight, red hair. I have nearsighted, blue eyes. I have no affection for pets of any kind.

When I was young I received a fish tank. It was fun for a while. But then, I wanted to reconfigure the furniture in my room and the fish tank didn’t have a home in my new vision. So, I flushed the little guys down the toilet. Problem solved.

My father would not allow us to get a dog, so on the first Father’s Day after his departure my brother brought home an energetic black lab puppy who loved to chew and dig. After every screwdriver handle in our house had been chewed, we bought the dog a one-way airline ticket to California to live with my dog-loving aunt. I don’t remember any tears.

Then, we inherited a cat from a friend who worked at the local fire station. The cat’s name was Aidcar and her cry sounded eerily like a siren. I remember my mom calling me in college to tell me that she had to put Aidcar down at the vet. The decision made sense to me. The cat was old and sick. I was surprised to hear my mom sniffling on the other end of the phone.

I’m not cruel to animals – I’ve never picked the wings off an insect, used a magnifying glass to fry an ant or kicked a puppy – I just don’t particularly like them. The feed and care of something in exchange for slobber, poop and loyalty is just not a bargain that appeals to me. I enjoyed having chickens for a while, but those were more like livestock than pets. I fed them and they fed me. The exchange made sense. And, when the poop to egg ratio inverted, I found them a new home on Criagslist.

So, when Son said he wanted a pet, I cringed. I put it off as long as possible. I told him to make a list of all the pets he was interested in. Then, I had him read a book about each pet on the list. He navigated all my delay tactics and settled on wanting a fish. Easy enough.

For Christmas, we bought Son and Daughter fish bowls and recently took them to the pet store to get Bettas. Things went well for a couple of weeks. But, this weekend, we found Daughter’s fish dead.

With all the emotional intelligence of a non-pet-lover, I hollered, “Hey, Daughter. Come look at this. Your fish died.” I thought she’d be curious, as I was, about why the fish was dead at the bottom of the bowl instead of floating at the top like expected.

Husband, standing next to me, swung to stare at me with his mouth agape.

“What?” I asked.

He opened his mouth to try to explain to his heartless wife just how inappropriate her reaction was, but before he could get the words out I began to understand my error. The wailing from the other room reminded me that I’m the exception to the rule. The wailing continued long enough for me to feel truly terrible. While I am missing the pet love gene, I do love my kids and hate to cause them pain. In fact, I love them so much that when I asked Daughter what would make her feel better and she said, “A cat” I gave it serious consideration for almost two whole minutes.

Wordy Wednesday

WORDY: using or containing many (usually too many) words

I embrace Wednesdays in my own way. In lieu of a photo, I offer you this random collection of other people’s words that impacted me this week as well as a handful of new words I added to my vocabulary.

Other People’s Words


This week, I’m reading Refuge: An Unnatural History of Family and Place by Terry Tempest Williams. Her writing is poetic and insightful. Here’s just one example of a passage I loved:

…denial lies. It protects us from the potency of a truth we cannot yet bear to accept. It takes our hands and leads us to places of comfort. Denial flourishes in the familiar. It seduces us with our own desires and cleverly constructs walls around us to keep us safe….

Ever since I read Dani Shapiro’s Still Writing, I’ve been returning again and again to this passage:

…We do not write out of the incoherent flame. Nor do we write out of the smoke. We wait until the ash is cool. It contains much of the matter within it that caused the flame, the smoke. Only now we can touch it. We can stick our finger into it. We can mold it at will. Now we can observe it. Now it is ours…

Words I Had to Ask Webster About


  • Fey: marked by an otherworldly air or attitude
  • Precocial: capable of a high degree of independent activity from birth

January Reads

READ: to look at and understand the meaning of letters, words, symbols, etc.

Kitchen House

The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom

I highly recommend this page-turning story of the antebellum south told through the eyes of a white indentured servant and a black slave that captures the complexities of relationships in all their forms. It is a remarkable piece of historical fiction that will lodge a pit in your stomach. You will want to look away but won’t be able to.

state of wonderState of Wonder by Ann Patchett

In this work, Patchett creates the most vivid sense of place I’ve encountered in a novel. I could hear the buzzing insects of the Amazon. I felt the oppressive jungle heat despite reading this book in a drafty old house on a cold January day.  My nose wrinkled with the stench of snake on my skin and I fought back a gag as I watched the scalpel’s first cut. At its heart, this is an adventure story. Though it requires some overlooking of technical questions and forgiving of exaggerated character traits, it is an adventure story well told and the only one I’ve read that gave me mosquito bites.

all the light

All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

This story uses the voices of alternating characters – a blind French girl and a German orphan – to tell a story that is so fresh, beautiful, and layered that it stands out from the World War II fiction crowd. I suspect this will be one of my best reads of 2015.  Please read it and then call me to talk about it.  great and terrible beauty

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray

Historical fiction (1895 English boarding school) paired with fantasy (mystical orders and entrance into other spiritual realms) and romance (bodices ripped). This book has flaws – unlikable and unbelievable characters, plot developments that feel forced, heavy handedness where subtlety may have worked better – but in the end I couldn’t help but enjoy my escape into the world Bray created. I won’t be reading the rest of the trilogy but enjoyed losing myself in this book for a weekend.

still writing

Still Writing: The Perils and Pleasures of a Creative Life by Dani Shapiro

A mostly memoir about the writing life, this book focuses more on showing up than on showing how. Full of big truths in tiny chapters, this book is like a long chat with the kind of friend who knows how to meet you where you are while simultaneously helping you move forward. Early in the book, Shapiro includes an Emerson quote about how “The good writer seems to be writing about himself, but has his eye always on that thread of the universe which runs through himself and all things.” Shapiro passes the good writer test with flying colors – telling her story in a way that helps others understand theirs.

Checkmate, Mr. Darcy

Mr Darcy

STANDPOINT: a way in which something is thought about or considered

Our family got the barfs last week. Well, the girls did; the boys managed to just get nausea.

In our house, being sick entitles kids and grown-ups alike to pajamas all day and unlimited screen time. In our house, the sicker person controls the screen.

That is how I found myself curled up on the couch watching Pride and Prejudice (the Keira Knightley/Matthew Macfadyen version) with an eight-year-old boy last Tuesday.

There was some explaining required (e.g. the mom’s obsession with finding husbands for her daughters, Mr. Wickham’s duplicity) but other things (e.g. Mr. Collins being a fool) were evident to my second grader.

While Son was tracking the plot reasonably well, the emotional undercurrents and subtle shifts in mood were lost on him. For example, when Elizabeth entered Pemberley for the first time, I could feel her regret as she took in the splendor and heard the housekeeper’s devotion to Mr. Darcy. My Son felt something different: envy.

“Mr. Darcy can play life-sized chess on his floor!”

Of all the things I’ve imagined doing with Mr. Darcy, playing chess was never on the list.

front hall

Mommy (and the Seahawks) For The Win!

seahawks

FOOTBALL: an American game played between two teams of 11 players each in which the ball is in possession of one side at a time and is advanced by running or passing

Today I will spend time sitting on the couch watching football.  Not because I’m one of the Seahawks’ faithful fans but because everyone else is doing it and jumping on the bandwagon gives me an excuse to eat my weight in appetizers and refill our growler at the local brewery.

But, kettle corn, seven layer dip, and hoppy IPA are not enough to distract me from the fact that watching football involves a lot of cheering over the relatively small accomplishments of grown men.

They run forward three feet.  Hooray!  They knock the other grown-ups down.  Hooray!  They throw and catch a ball.  Standing ovation!

I can’t think of a female equivalent.

I’ve never heard anyone applaud for a lady walking on cobblestones in heels.  Eleven ankle-busting cracks averted! I’ve never seen a standing ovation for a woman who makes it through the grocery store with kids.  Three out of ten items on list procured!

Can you imagine if motherhood was a televised sport?

Mommy is up and out of bed before the sun.  A gain of two yards on the play. 

Floors swept.  Laundry sorted.  A gain of three. 

Quick shower.  Hair brushed.  Make-up on. 

It’s a Mommy first down!  

There’s stirring in the backfield.  Kids are awake.  Mommy makes a healthy-enough breakfast followed by efficient teeth brushing.  Clothes are on with minimal complaining. 

Mommy is within field goal distance. 

Oh, no!  More food is on the floor than in the bellies and an important to do list has been turned into confetti – a loss of ten yards. 

Mommy attempts to regain good field position by raising her voice and using “the look.”  It doesn’t work nearly as well as she had hoped.  Penalty marker on the play. 

Impatience results in turnover to Kids.  This could be a game changer.

Kids come back strong with toy messes and whining.  Mommy effectively uses screen time as a distraction and forces Kids to punt. 

Mommy returns for forty yards.  Lunches packed.  Shoes tied.  Coats zipped.  Keys found.   

Mommy pulls off an on-time school arrival. 

TOUCHDOWN MOMMY!

With espresso shots on the offensive line Mommy continues to play strong through the first half.  Calls are returned.  Emails answered.  Complete sentences spoken. 

Mommy enters half-time commute with a slight lead. 

In the second half, Kids come out rested and strong.   Mommy struggles to fix dinner while fending off complaints and toy disputes.  Mommy’s running game is losing steam. 

Late in the fourth quarter both Mommy and Kids show signs of exhaustion.  Kids are becoming less coordinated.  Minor injuries and penalty markers on the field.   

Reading, pajamas, potty breaks and stalling tactics take the game into overtime. 

The game is called when Mommy and Kids realize nobody knows the score.

Today I will clap and holler for the incremental progress of grown men down a green rectangle.  But, tomorrow I’m going to want some clapping and hollering over my small victories.

And if some scantily clad pool boys want to waive feather dusters around, that’s okay with me too.

Go Seahawks!

Wordy Wednesday

words

WORDY: using or containing many (usually too many) words

I embrace Wednesdays in my own way. In lieu of a photo, I offer you this random collection of other people’s words that impacted me this week as well as a handful of new words I added to my vocabulary.

Other People’s Words


This week, I’m reading The Word Exchange by Alena Graedon.  I’m about 70 pages in but not sure that I’ll finish the book.  The story hasn’t hooked me the way I hoped it would.  The book is based on an interesting and intriguing version of the future, but just doesn’t fit my reading mood right now.  I want a book with a faster pace that gives me a sense of progress over my morning coffee.  Frankly, I need a book with shorter chapters.  Shallow, but true.  I like Graedon’s writing and hope to try the book again when life has more space for long periods of reading.

Here’s a great passage from the opening chapter:

…Words, I’ve come to learn, are pulleys through time.  Portals into other minds.  Without words, what remains? Indecipherable customs.  Strange rites.  Blighted hearts.  Without words, we’re history’s orphans.  Our lives and thoughts erased….

Words I Had to Ask Webster About


  • Ennui: a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest
  • Perspicacity: of acute mental vision or discernment, keen
  • Ribald: characterized by or using coarse indecent humor

 

Happy New Year

2015

RESOLVE: to make a definite and serious decision to do something

I resolve to make 2015 a Happy New Year.

HAPPY: feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life


There is much pleasure and enjoyment to be had in my life.  I have beautiful coffee mugs that fit my hands just right and a loving husband who brews the magic elixir that fills them each morning.  I have a charming house and joyful children who fill it with the noises and chaos that transform it into a home.  I have pens that work and notebooks waiting to be filled.  I have cute shoes, worn jeans, and comfortable bras.  I choose to be grateful for and, by extension, happy about the gifts that surround me each day.

NEW: not old; not used by anyone else previously; recent; modern; made fresh


I will not chase newness for the sake of newness, snub ideas because they have been tried before, or insist on being the first user.  However, I will be mindful of when things need freshening – my sock supply, my weekly routines, my friendships – and work to breathe new vitality into the areas of my life that feel stale or are beginning to show signs of decay.

YEAR: the 3651/4 solar days required for one revolution of the earth around the sun


I will remember that there are many days, weeks, and months ahead.  I will pace myself.  I will leave room for the variations in the seasons – times for productivity and times for rest; times for giving and times for taking.  I will accept that some things –revolving around the sun, making lasting changes in behaviors, and writing book manuscripts – take time.  I will give things the time they need but make sure I’m doing the daily work of spinning a little further in the right direction.

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